In recent decades, Muslim marriage practices in the West have evolved and changed considerably, especially when it comes to arranged marriage. Today, most second- and third-generation British Muslims, particularly women, pursue higher education, resulting in increased independence of thought and action. The days are long gone when matchmakers and gossipy aunts were adamant that a Muslim man should wed a less educated women, yet recent research has shown that many educated British Muslim women are experiencing difficulties in attracting suitable partners.
Although the end goal for marriage has remained the same—everyone wants to be happy and experience a loving, caring relationship—the order of events has shifted a bit. Whereas previous generations expected love to come after a successful arranged marriage, today’s women are seeking to fall in love before they marry or at the very least meet their prospective partner beforehand. Today’s relationships establish a connection, then get into the important life details—how much does he earn? Does he want to live with his parents or in his own place? How many children does he want?
One example of how modern women often approach marriage today can be found in Massoma, a professional lawyer and a practicing Muslim in her mid-30s. She’s been searching for a marriage partner since her early 20s and has rejected many suitors who were educated and held professional jobs. Many of them she refused after meeting them in a halal environment or after a few meetings, all because she didn’t feel that she connected with them. This elusive connection, which her friends interpreted as “butterflies in her stomach,” has not yet happened, and so Massoma is still searching.
Today, most women of all backgrounds want not only a marriage partner, but also someone who is a friend and companion. Many Muslim women have a difficult task achieving this—many do not want a groom from their parents’ country but rather desire a partner who has been brought up in the West and is therefore culturally compatible.
But it’s not just living in the West that has liberated these women and led them to demand equal partnership in marriage versus the traditional male-dominant relationship. Most of them also are well versed in the quran and hadith and can point out many examples of how the Prophet (s) not only carried out his duties outside the home but also helped his wives with household chores and was always supportive and fair.
As the task to find a suitable life partner becomes more of a struggle, matrimonial websites have blossomed and are particularly popular with younger men and women. Although these sites have brought about some successful unions, there also have been reported complaints about disastrous or awkward encounters.
With all the struggles, there are also many success stories which give a hope to those who seek a potential partner.
Saverah Women Team meets some young married women in U.K. and explores how they met their partners.

Whereas previous generations expected love to come after a successful arranged marriage, today’s women are seeking to fall in love before they marry or at the very least meet their prospective partner beforehand.

Saima Bhatt, married to Nadeem Khan

“My first marriage was to a distant relative back home who had been introduced to me by my parents. It started as a happy marriage and he was kind and considerate, but it later emerged that he had been having an affair. This devastated me, and I decided to end my 15-year-old marriage. I left my job and started a new career and kept myself socially active. While I was in the process of piecing my life together, I went on a charity trek in Scotland, and I met Nadeem, who also had been recently divorced. We got on really well, became good friends, and then Nadeem popped the question. I was so happy to have found someone I had a lot in common with. Now we are happily married and have a son.”
Come out of your comfort
zone & keep socially active
 

Saleha Imam, married to Imran Shareef

“I met Imran at university, where I got to know him a bit more as a friend. Even though I liked him, I never thought I would end up marrying him. They do say that destiny plays a part, and in our case it did. We ended up working in the same place, and it was at work where we resumed our friendship and I realised I had feelings for him. I approached him with a marriage proposal. Imran was always the shy type, and it took him some time to decide. We are happily married now, and have three kids.”

Sometimes you may have
zone & to take the first step

 

Farina Sardar, married to Kareem Altaf

“After university, my parents put on the pressure to get married. It was at my new job where I met Kareem—he was in another department. He would make excuses to come to my department so he could see me, and soon we became friends. However, he had already made it clear he was looking to marry. He proposed to me, and I told him I had to first consult my parents. Today, we are happily married and still working in the same company.”

Workplace – keep your
doors opened.
 

Ayesha Dani, married to Kamran Ahmed

“After a first marriage that didn’t go well, I was left as a single woman with a 1-year-old daughter. I went back to live with my parents and moved on bringing up my daughter. It was through my family that I met Kamran. He was from Pakistan and we instantly liked each other. Our families were very happy, and encouraged us to get married. Kamran moved to the U.K., and we got married in a small ceremony surrounded by our family and friends. We are happily married and have a son who is greatly loved, especially by his older sister.”

Parents & family friends can
introduce potential partners.
 

Layla Hassan, married to Hayder Ali

“I saw him at college when I was 17 years old. I liked him, so I asked my friend to find out more about him, but he was not responsive and was rather shy, although he liked to act tough. Soon he left to move to another college, and I thought I would never meet him again. When I was in my last year at university, I was having a religious discussion on Facebook with some friends, and I started chatting to Hayder, not knowing he was the same boy I met a few years ago. When he posted his picture, I suddenly realised who he was. We eventually became friends, as he was very knowledgeable about Islam and I was always asking questions. He told me he was interested in getting married and didn’t believe in having girlfriends. We met each other’s parents and then got married in a small family ceremony. We are both very happy and plan to have many kids.”

Social media (using it in a
right and safe way)

 

“I met Imran at university, where I got to know him a bit more as a friend. Even though I liked him, I never thought I would end up marrying him.”

Saira Hakim, married to Kahn Bahadur

“At the age of 20 my father had introduced me to a man he found in a marriage advert. Initially I had no interest in this proposal as I had feelings for my classmate, but had no courage to face my parent’s anger. In a few days, my marriage was arranged, and I was forced to marry the man he had chosen.
Initially I was not happy in the marriage as I did find it difficult to accept my husband and vice versa. However, as time passed I grew to love him and my husband showed the same warmth. Hearts changed and things got better. It is said Allah works in mysterious ways, which is true, because today I have a blissful life, a doting husband and lovely kids. We have a successful business, and get to travel frequently.”
Have trust in the higher
authority and give people a chance.

 

Life is a precious gift all humans have been granted, which is why it’s vital to invest in your health and well-being. If staying trim isn’t enough of a motivation, maybe your faith will be: Islam focuses on looking after not only your spiritual and emotional health, but your physical health, as well. Our bodies are a divine gift, a blessing that came to us with working organs, limbs, and a heart. This is why it’s our duty to ensure that our bodies are not neglected or abused by ill maintenance or weak and lazy habits.
The Quran includes passages on the importance of healthy habits. For example, there are hadiths that tell how the Prophet Muhammad (s) valued being physically fit and following a healthy diet. Hazrat Ibn Umar (ra) narrated that the Prophet (s) said to “teach your children swimming, archery and horse riding.”
And Islam overall is a physically and mentally spiritual practice—your brain can only be fully engaged and focused on faith if it’s healthy and not bogged down with physical ailments. You need strength to perform things like salat or Hajj, one of the most demanding and fruitful experiences in any Muslim person’s life.
Below, Nazia Khatun of Fitness Reborn reveals five benefits of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and how it relates to Islam.

Disease Prevention & Appetite Control

More than one million people die each year from coronary heart diseases, which are largely caused by poor diets and excessive eating. The Prophet (s) disliked gluttony, and described the proper amounts to eat in order to stay healthy:
“No man fills a vessel worse than his stomach. A few morsels are enough for the son of Adam (human being) to keep his back upright. But if he must eat more, then he should fill one-third of his stomach with food, one-third with drink, and leave one-third empty for the air (easy breathing).”
Finding this balance in your diet is essential for efficiently running bodies, and a light, healthy diet also helps us control our thoughts and emotions. Here’s yet another quote from Ibrahim ibn Adham (ra):
“Anyone who controls his stomach is in control of his deen, and anyone who controls his hunger is in control of good behaviour. Disobedience toward Allah is nearest to a person who is satiated with a full stomach, and furthest away from a person who is hungry.”

Food Equals Energy

In the Prophet’s (s) era, food was chosen carefully, and homemade foods made with love and affection were considered the purest. Unfortunately, modern society has brought with it the proliferation of fast food chains. Food that is made in haste and filled with chemicals slows the body down, leading to a lack of focus. To stay physically and mentally sharp so you can perform your daily duties as a Muslim, follow a diet centered on homemade, nutritious food.

A Restorative Sleep

A healthy diet and daily exercise not only help boost energy levels, but they also can help improve the quality of your sleep. Sleep is an essential part of taking good care of your body—it allows you to recover and mend. And when you’re well-rested and mentally strong, you can give your focus purely to Allah when praying.

A Solution for Depression

Besides helping you stay trim, exercise also can reduce depression, and some studies have shown it can be as effective as medication. Exercise also helps improve memory and other cognitive functions, and is thought to protect the brain against dementia. One Harvard University researcher called exercise the “Miracle-Gro for the brain.”

A Well-Lived Life

Whatever it is you love in life, whether it be your kids, travel, sports, or fashion, everything is more enjoyable when you’re feeling healthy and fit. Our creator wants us to be happy and live a fruitful life, so make sure you maintain healthy diet and exercise habits to be able to enjoy every moment. SW

Nazia Khatun,
www.fitnessrebornuk.com

We all have those weeks when energy reserves are dangerously low, you can’t seem to pick yourself up, and your to-do list feels impossible. Next time you’re feeling stuck or demotivated, remember these wise suggestions from five successful businesswomen.

Haslina Mohd Ali

Marketing & Corporate Communications Director, Sri Munawwarah Design

Count your blessings:
When I feel that nothing can bring me ‘up,’ I think of my children and how Allah has given me so much in my life.
Turn to the Quran:
To lift my spirits and emotions, I read the tafseer of the Quran to give me perspective of all that Allah has bestowed upon me and see the bigger picture.
Get moving:
I always benefit from a good run in the park or on the treadmill. I also enjoy doing Zumba with the children or my staff to shake it off and get the adrenaline pumping!
Treat yourself:
My biweekly massage channels good energy and helps me fight the blues.

Rabia Z

Founder and Creative Director of Rabia Z

Turn to Allah:
Pray! The Prayer of Need, Salat Al Hajah, works especially well.

Put pen to paper:
Reflect on why you are feeling demotivated. Write down the answers to the following questions: Why am I stuck? What is causing it? Why do I feel demotivated? What is the underlying cause? What can I change? What is beyond my control? Use a mind-mapping tool to organize all possible solutions. Print it so you have a visual, and write a pro/con list for each solution. Visually seeing challenges and solutions makes you realize that it is not as bad it seems!

Take it day by day:
Each day, accomplish what you have control over. Chuck out what doesn’t serve you. Anything you don’t have control over, submit it to Allah.

Positivity matters:
Take a break from negative people until you are back on your feet and feeling motivated again. I like to remember this quote: “Negativity can only affect you if you’re on the same frequency. Vibrate higher!”

Get moving:
Exercise in any form, whether it’s going to the gym, walking, or dancing with your kids or younger siblings at home. It’s the best cure out there for low energy!

Gratitude:
Give thanks for every single blessing in your life. Allah increases us in everything we thank Him for.

Pinky Lilani, CBE DL

Founder and Chair of Asian Women of Achievement Awards; Founder of Spice Magic

Reach out:
Ring someone with good energy who you enjoy talking to. Also talk to a wide variety of people, including some you don’t normally consider. Mark Granovetter’s theory called the strength of weak ties says people who you don’t know well can give you some different ideas.

Move your body:
Walk or do some aerobic exercise—exercise releases endorphins and helps you feel more positive.

Go to the cinema:
I love going to a matinee on my own—you can get lost in the plot and forget about your own worries for a while.

Grab a treat:
Treat yourself to a foamy cappuccino and a naughty slice of cake. This is a short-lived pleasure, but it can help!

Acknowledge your strengths:
When feeling down, think of all the things you do well and all the ways you’ve succeeded. This can help you feel more optimistic about whatever project you’re tackling.

Get creative:
Do something creative, such as preparing a dinner party for friends or family. The energy this generates is always positive.

Read some wisdom and be kind:
Know that every challenge has something you can learn from and that life keeps moving, even if you feel stuck today. Also, perform a random act of kindness—it fills you with warmth!

Julie Siddiqi

Founder, Sadaqa Day

Seek the root cause:
Think about why you are feeling stuck or lacking motivation and see if there’s anything you can change. Perhaps the job or project you are working on is not exciting or challenging enough. I try to work only on projects I believe in that get me up early and have me feeling enthusiastic.

Cultivate positive energy:
Perhaps you lack focus or have other worries on your mind. Surrounding yourself with good people can help! I am generally a positive person and am not a fan of people who moan a lot. They drain my batteries! The Prophet (s) taught us to keep good company. This includes avoiding spending time with people who drain your energy.

Spend time with loved ones:
I love meeting family and friends, and I love chilling with my husband and kids at home. This helps me forget the stresses of work.

Erum Masood

Business Consultant

Make a list:
Write down what you have to accomplish in the next five days, making note of the things you want to do but don’t have to do. Separating the “wants” from the “haves” can help you prioritize.

Read a book:
My favorite remedy is to read about inspiring women who have been my role models. I then creatively imagine and practice what some of them would do in my situation.

Look within:
I derive my strength from within, through meditation and physical relaxation, yoga or swimming.

Take a walk:
Sometimes a long walk in the park can bring positive energy.

Gather some friends:
Being with positive people in a group is perhaps the best and simplest way to rejuvenate yourself and open your mind.

Embrace your femininity:
Being a woman at times can be very rewarding. Visit a nice salon or spa—I find that looking good and feeling good can bring out the best in me!

Have a positive mindset.

If you want to achieve a task, you need to first believe that you can do it. Many struggle with thinking that they can’t achieve a goal or task whilst managing life’s myriad responsibilities.
There are many budding entrepreneurs who want to start a business but who are too scared to commit or take risks because they fear failure. Never let fear get the better of you or hinder your progress. Take a step back and reflect on your skills, think positively, and envision the outcome if you were to complete the task or take that step in achieving your goals. Next, imagine yourself at the place of achievement. This technique may help change your mindset from negative into positive.

Time management.

Some of the most successful women have mastered excellent time management skills. Utilising your time and avoiding procrastination is key in achieving any task. From a simple thing such as cooking the family dinner to getting work or studying done, each task can successfully be completed with effective time management. This is one of the secrets to achieving your goals.

Wake up early.

We all like our sleep, but waking up early can have a profound benefit when it comes to getting more done during the day. The Prophet (s) said: “O Allah, bless my nation in their early mornings” (i.e., what they do early in the morning) [Ibn Majah]. There are many blessings you can achieve and you can perform well in all aspects of life if you wake up early for Fajr and utilise some of your time afterward to get tasks done.

Nobody in this life achieves any form of success without effort and hard work.
It is important to be consistent in doing small daily actions that will culminate in reaching your goal.

Schedule your day around Salah.

Many of us fail to realise that true success lies with pleasing Allah. This is why it’s important to ensure that Salah is your top priority. You can schedule your day around Salah and aim to get more done, as well as earn blessings from Allah. Al-Aswad bin Yazid narrated: “I asked Aisha (ra) ‘What did the Prophet (s) do at home?’ She said ‘He used to work for his family, and when he heard the adhan (call for the prayer), he would go out.” [Bukhari]
Disciplining yourself to perform salah strengthens your ability to live a life that can benefit you for the ultimate destination of the hereafter.

Be consistent and work hard.

Nobody in this life achieves any form of success without effort and hard work. It is important to be consistent in doing small daily actions that will culminate in reaching your goal. For example, if you want to lose weight, you may want to do a 20-minute daily walk for 30 days. At the end of the month, you may find you’ve reached your desired weight. Small, consistent steps are key in achieving, but it is essential to be consistent.
Working hard is also important, and it puts barakah in your life, because you have learned to achieve something. Whether you are investing your time in studying for an exam, making time to prepare for an interview, or even learning how to create a new dish, it will take effort. The more effort you put into something, the more likely you will get better results and a real sense of achievement.

Make dua.

Never underestimate the power of dua—it truly has the ability to change your fate. Relying on Allah and trusting him is a testament to your faith. This does not mean you don’t need to put in effort to achieve, but it does mean that you accept Allah as sustenance. Whatever a person is destined to achieve or obtain in this life, already is written for us in our fate (Qadr), so we should actively make dua to Allah to give us the best of this world and the hereafter. The best times to make dua to ask for success in this world and the next is in the last portion of the night, often known as Qiyam ul layl. You also can supplicate after your daily Salah or keep a fast with the intention of earning blessings for a special need or desire. SW

Tasmin Nazeer is an award-winning freelance journalist and writer who has written for a variety of publications. For more information, visit www.tasnimnazeer.com or follow her on Twitter @tasnimnazeer1.